SEATTLE–Earlier today, a local woman was arrested after attacking a crew of construction workers in Seattle’s Phinney Ridge neighborhood. According to responding officials, the trigger for the attack was the amount of construction noise pollution.
Neil Swayze, owner of the new 6 floor apartment structure going up on the east side of Greenwood said, “This attack was completely unprovoked. We went through the appropriate channels months before we started construction. She had time to voice her concerns but failed to do so. Seattle is growing and we are a big part of it.”
Betty Moore, said this, “I was walking home from the hardware store when suddenly a woman came rushing out of an apartment building. I paused because she was crazy! She looked at the workers, fists clenched, and then started screaming ‘Shut the hell up!’ and ‘People are trying to work here!’ and other things that I won’t repeat.”
But that wasn’t then end of the commotion. Allegedly, the woman went back into her apartment and armed herself before coming back out and commencing her brutal attack.
Construction worker, Sam Beecher, had this to say, “I saw her coming at me, a broom in one hand and a party sized bag of Chocolate Kisses in the other. I defended myself and took charge of the broom. I thought the broom was the most dangerous weapon. I was wrong. I didn’t have a chance. When she was through with me, she opened the door of the cement truck and pulled Earl out and did him too. Then she continued her rampage.”
When asked about how the perpetrator wielded the Chocolate Kisses, Mr. Beecher said, “No comment.”
Looking out over the carnage of the attack, which includes at least a dozen men covered in chocolate, several looking very embarrassed, we can only speculate its true nature. At least one piece of equipment is not usable due to chocolate in the gears.
The shear amount of chocolate involved could not possibly have come from one party sized bag of Chocolate Kisses. Police suspect that local residents may have played a major part in the attack by providing old stale Halloween candy during the attack. No witnesses to this aiding and abetting have yet been found. The police will continue to investigate.
Betty Moore confided, “Don’t tell anyone, but I can understand. The noise was that bad. Everything was shaking in the hardware store. This was justified. I have a new hero.”
After subduing the perpetrator, ambulances were called but with the exception of a flare up due to a chocolate allergy, no one was seriously injured in the attack. Local residents have been picking up the candy wrappers scattered everywhere. When asked if he was going to take her to court, Neil Swayze told us, “Heck no, she’s a woman on the edge. We’ll just give it a day and then continue working.” And, when asked about any damage costs he said, “I think Acts of Nature are covered.”
We’ll post updates as the situation unfolds.