Hello again, dear readers. Maybe there’s 6? It’s another week in self-quarantine land. Again, this is by day. I think this will be the last week of a journal entry style.
Saturday March 28, 2020 – Afternoon/Evening
I’m trying to get my brothers to install Zoom so that we can all talk to each other via video. They’re resistant for some reason. This is what happens when you try to get non-computer, physical men to do something with the computer. It’s all hocus-pocus, and a bit suspicious, to them, I imagine. But I can’t go flying to Arizona and Nebraska to set them up! Since Rick and I are not going to Omaha in May, I just think it would be nice to get on a call with all of us, plus my dad, from time to time. And I really asking for too much?
And yes, I’ve realized that I’ve been asking too much of myself. I have all these projects and some call to me more than others. And then I feel guilty because I’m not working on some of them. Like my screenplay. I’m having a hard time tapping into my creative juices around a budding psychopathic, murderous anti-heroine at the moment. It was much easier when I didn’t have CV to worry about and I could focus on my anger and desire for revenge. But, when I think about it, screenwriting is really not my priority. It’s more of a hobby. Like my guitar and piano. No, there’s something else that calls me.
I miss ComedySportz. I miss my Clown class. I want to get back to it. Before this all started, they were the things that kept me going. I love it! I love playing! And getting up on stage and being silly! I’ve let that bad teacher and his students inhibit me for too long. They can take a flying leap off a rocky cliff. It’s amazing how our experiences can affect us so deeply. I really hope this doesn’t take as long as it seems it might. There’s only so much talking to myself in gibberish I can do, or playing Do-Rap-Rap.
Things are getting boring. Today, I bought a new app for my Oculus Go. You can search for addresses and cities and go there and go up and down the block looking at stuff. Today, I was in Arizona looking for the turn-off to my dad’s place (couldn’t find it though I was on the right road, I recognize that bar), I was in Omaha looking at our old neighborhood, my high school and visited Cooper Farm for the Omaha Home for Boys. My brother Kelly works and lives there. He wasn’t in any of the pictures. I went to Sigonella Sicily, a base I was at for 2 years, and Motta Sant’ Anastasia, a town I lived in. I went to D.C. I went to Dover, MN, but I wasn’t sure what house the Lovelaces live in. It was very cool.
VR, the short-term answer to boredom.
Sunday March 29, 2020
A lost day in which I forgot to write an entry.
Monday March 30, 2020
Do you ever wonder if something is even worth it? My work is so chaotic. It’s hard. It’s madness. We desperately need a Project Manager. People are stressed. The target dates are entirely too aggressive for what we’re doing. I can’t do my job the way I like to do it. It’s frustrating. And then one of the higher ups gets autocratic with me about something that is so not worth it. I’m sure he’s feeling the stress as well. I get it. But I’m not the one to get autocratic with. It doesn’t make me feel the chaos is getting under control. It just adds another source of chaos. I don’t like it.
I’m already done with this staying at home crap. I have things to do and people to do them to. What the fuck? This can’t be the way life is going to be. Maybe a year of this? I can’t get through a month! What the hell am I going to do?
Tuesday March 31, 2020
Huh. Forgot to write an entry for Tuesday. Must be work. It’s so stressful.
Wednesday April 1, 2020
So, can someone get in front of a mic and tell us this was all an April Fools joke? That no one died and there is no such thing as the CV?
Yesterday was a bear at work. We needed to get our app to the Apple for review and I don’t think we’re ready for that. When we were MITS, quality was number 1. Now that we’re part of a company with no name yet, timing is number 1. I get it that it’s good for Sales and Marketing, but damn.
I’m also thinking about what I want to do. I’m tired of testing. Once we come out the other end of this, and I’m still alive, I’m going to make some changes.
Thursday April 2, 2020
I’m so tired of this already. It might go until July? Maybe longer? What about my sanity? What about my mind? What about my brain being scrambled like eggs? Humm? I mean, I live by myself. And I have no man to move into my apartment. And do I want a man around all the time for months in the first place? Probably not! They need stuff to do or they become annoyingly clingy. And kids, I just wonder how many parents out there are thinking about doing their kids in? Or at least locking them in the bedroom! I’d go crazy myself.
Work is driving me crazy as well. We’ve completely thrown the concept of requirements and acceptance criteria out the window, just because we have a deadline. Well, I find it hard to test when I don’t’ know what’s going on. It’s irritating. And then people look to me for decisions about stuff. I don’t fucking know. I have to make shit up in my noodle all the time since I don’t have specifications. Do you think that maybe I’m all decisioned out? Maybe I have decision fatigue? Humm? I’m having a hard time doing this job under these circumstances. I know we’re all stressed, but I have to look out for me. No one else is around to do it for me.
I’m starting a Joke Writing workshop with The Second City on Saturday. I’m really hoping that it gets me out of my mood and gets my noodle on the creative path again. I’ve checked my video recorder and it’s still working. We have to submit videos… It’s been over 20 years since I did stand-up. I’m hoping this will be an easy and stress-free way back in. I have this idea of putting stand-up together with Clown, and some improv in order to put together a unique act.
Friday April 3, 2020
So, I have this thing. I tend to repress the more vulnerable emotions. Fortunately, I know they are there. What happens is that they get trapped inside and I end up not sleeping and having other physical issues. Add that to stress, especially stress over time, and you have a wound-up Karin. I know that if I can just get myself to cry, I get relief. Unfortunately, it’s hard to get me to cry. The one thing that works is listening to the song Wildfire. For some reason, it starts and I start crying right away. I know that I don’t need to know why I’m crying. I just need to cry. Here’s the video, maybe it’ll help you cry too.
It’s important to be able to cry, to get it out of the system. I have a friend who thinks they don’t feel emotions. I know they do. Why? Because I have the same problem. Instead of fear or vulnerability, it’s gets transformed into anger and frustration. But the fear and vulnerability are still there. I have no idea how to truly open up to my emotions. It’s a chronic issue. I figure I’m lucky to at least know that I do have them.
I’m having a hard time at work. I work best when I know what’s going on and have a handle on it all. I have no idea this time. I feel lost. I feel like I can’t do my job. And the longer this goes on, the less I care. Just sayin’…
I’m trying to say “fuck it”. If I don’t have control over something, I can’t truly test it. So, I’ll just test the MITS stuff first, then mobile as much as I can, the rest if it’s set up for me.
One thing is true. I need to make some changes.
Saturday April 4, 2020
I’m getting tired of this journal entry format. I’m going to give up on it for now and go back to regular programming. I have a post on Mallard Ducks that I’ve been wanting to do.
Here’s the chart for the states I’m tracking. Remember that the numbers are for the last 3 weeks and are not totals.
Hope you all stay safe, sane and healthy.