Hello my 5 readers! Tim and Mike are vying for #4. Here’s another installment of what’s going on with Karin. If/when things get really bad, I’ll post more often than once a week.
Saturday March 21, 2020 – Evening
I took the bus into work so I could get my book and meds. I ended up leaving with a Chromebook, an iPad, a Nexus, and a Mac laptop. LOL, it sounds crazier than it is. I’ll need that stuff if I’m still working from home after April. Yeah, I went into work with the thought that I might not be back. I guess I’ll have to tell my manager I have all that equipment!
I wandered around work for a long time, looking out the windows. There’s a lot of people going into 7-11. I didn’t want to leave. It’s nice being someplace else for a while.
I encouraged Joan to take her chair home. I mean, she can always bring it back! And wouldn’t that be lovely, to be able to haul all of the crap we took from work back? To be able to work at my work desk again. This is the first year we won’t be able to watch the seagulls on the roof of the next building raise their babies.
I keep thinking I should work on projects and I don’t want to. Maybe I don’t have to. Maybe I’ll just go for a walk and have some pizza for dinner. I’m very tired.
Sunday March 22, 2020
My dad told me about the first death in Arizona yesterday. I told him he didn’t need to go to the old foggy hour at the grocery store. Let Rick do the shopping. But he really wants to go. He’s like “well, I’m going to die of something.” True, but still.
Speaking of yesterday, yesterday I went for my evening walk and found the park inhabited with sun bathers and young adults playing frisbee. The day before it was a sole woman and a child. Of course, it is the weekend.
But it does bring up an issue. We’re staying in to slow down the virus so that we don’t all get it at once. But I can see that having it go slow might lure people into thinking it’s not a big deal. Hence 20 young people all touching the same frisbees. I have to say, when I saw them playing, there was a part of me who wanted to poo poo the whole thing.
So many people are crying, pleading, and screaming at people to stay the fuck home. But we are humans. It’s a cruel irony that we are blessed with a massive intellect, yet we have the emotional bodies of cavepeople. We use our intellect for power and war. Maybe the next go around we’ll have evolved a bit more so that we can handle it.
I remember people freaking out over 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar. And yeah, it was the end, and now we are on another cycle. Maybe in a bit over 32,000 years, we’ll find ourselves back, but more evolved. Heck, maybe this is a 32,000-year simulation! Maybe there’s a race of people trying to solve a problem and they got to the end of the cycle, took one look at us knuckleheads and said, nope, failed again. Reset!
I bought a paid subscription to Pandora. I’ve been on the free version for years and only listening on weekends and in the mornings during the week. Now the damn thing is on all the time. They’re losing money on me, I’m sure. And I want them to stick around. A necessity for my sanity.
Monday March 23, 2020
On Saturday I saw youngsters playing frisbee in the park and then yesterday, people were wandering the streets like nothing was happening. NO ONE avoided me or looked at me like I’m the Horseman of pestilence. Even families with kids.
And, for some unknown reason, people have stopped scooping the poop after their pets. Poop on the sidewalk, in a few places.
So, either people have convinced themselves that it’s not a big deal or they have accepted it and don’t care anymore. Or maybe a bit of both.
I get it. I want to say that it’s important to not think of this as short term. This is a long-term project. We have to consider that a year from now, we may be still stuck in our homes, maybe with the National Guard roaming the streets. Let’s do what we can NOW, and not let that happen.
On work side, yesterday my computer decided wifi was unnecessary. For a moment there I thought that that was the end of my job. I need wifi to work. I had to really fool around to get it going again. And today, my taskbar decided to freeze. Tell me it’s not going to be one of those days.
In a defiant Act of Hope, I painted my nails yesterday and today I’m dressed like I would be for work. By God, they are going to roll my dead body out of my apartment dressed, not in my jammies.
So, people are now living in the office space on the first floor of my building. They had put their notice in to vacate their old apartment before all of this came down. I talked to one of them. They were under the impression that it would all be done with by April. I didn’t have the heart to burst his optimism. Fortunately, they have a shower down there. And a frig and Microwave.
Tuesday March 24, 2020
It occurred to me that maybe I should look at the obituaries now. I can’t rely on Crackbook to tell me anything real.
Rough start this morning. My computer decided to go wonky. I’ve been working on my home computer and it’s not set up for this stuff. I finally have it rebooted but now I have to wait for a process that’s killing my disk i/o to finish. Even typing this, I have to wait for the characters to catch up. I hope I can get a different computer.
I have an extroverted friend who has been dealing with all of this by taking naps. I can’t nap. It’s hard enough for me to sleep at night.
For me, I think it’s important to have process and habits. Like, just because it’s dinnertime, that doesn’t mean to sit in front of the T.V. (and then stay there) I had made a change to have dinner before 6pm, rather than 7:30/8pm, and at that time, T.V. sounds reasonable. I need to read for dinner instead and then do some other things before landing on the loveseat. So, today I’m starting that.
Hey! The process is done! I can get back to work!
Okay, the computer thing has me irritated. And I’m irritated that I’m irritated. I’m trying for emotional regulation and yet, here is irritation yet again. And for what? A fucking computer? It’s a stupid reason to be irritated. To be continually irritated.
You see, this is first time that I can see my life coming to an end. Yes, I’ve always known uncertainty, but this time, this time, I feel the wisp of feathers across my face. It says to me, I am here, by your side, although nothing has been decided, yet.
There’s just not enough time for irritation. Every second should be something I love, or something that I want to do. Wonder for the flower. Sun on my face. The piece of chocolate I can still have. I don’t have time for bullshit emotions that mean nothing and are certainly not important enough to waste time on.
Here’s a scene from Blacklist. I love Red’s desire…
Wednesday March 25, 2020
I’m concerned about POTUS and his attitude towards the whole thing. I know he’s just another human and he really wants to believe that everything is going to be okay, but going back to business as normal is a scary thing. The main thing is that all the people who rally behind him, will believe him. Not necessarily because they actually believe him but because they want to believe him. Plus, when you add in people’s livelihoods, they may be more apt to believe him. Humans are pretty complicated.
There might have also been some analysis done. Like car companies do when deciding to fix a problem with their vehicles. Unfortunately, where a person stands changes how things are decided. As an individual, I’m concerned about my family, my peeps, and concerns more at the individual level. As POTUS, I know he’s not thinking about individuals, he’s thinking about the country as a whole. But, he’s still human and is affected by his biases. He’s also a guy who’s used to everything being done because he wants them done. As much as many want it, his wanting it to not be a big deal isn’t going to make it less so. I figure he’s feeling a bit powerless at the moment. It’s probably driving him nuts, and that’s dangerous.
Thursday March 26, 2020
Today I’m wondering about some of the small businesses. I’ve gotten a couple of GoFundMe requests to help out. I don’t know how I feel about this or what to do. We’re only 3 weeks in, and they are having trouble already. If this is a long-term siege, what they get is just going to prolong the misery. On the other hand, I’d like the businesses to continue. I haven’t decided a thing yet. I did go and donate to Northwest Harvest a bit more that my monthly donation. I like it that 94% of donations go toward food.
I’ll have to think about this.
Okay, I did some donations.
Friday March 27 2020
One of the things that I was grateful for during this time was that I was distracted from obsessing over wrongs done to me. It was such a wonderful thing to not have them driving me crazy. Late yesterday and today, they’ve come back. I’m obsessing again.
And it’s a no-win situation. It’s done. It’s happened. And the culprits won’t change any more than I will. Now that I’ve seen what life can be like without it, I’m going to make it a priority to let it go for real.
It’s afternoon, and my chest is very tight and it’s hard to breathe. Is it the virus? Or is it anxiety and stress from work? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. There’s a big part of me that says, if I’m going to get it, let it comes sooner than later. I can survive and have myself some more anti-bodies in my system. Wondering “when am I going to get it” is pretty damn stressful.
Saturday March 28, 2020
Stress, it’s always stress. It’s really hard to work when there are no guidelines and I have no idea what’s going on! I’m dealing with 3 teams of Devs who have not been corralled yet. And I’m the only tester! Well, supposedly there’s another, but he was put in the role by the old manager and has no experience or training. Plus, he’s in Findlay Ohio. I don’t have time to train him right now.
I’m not going to talk about deaths here anymore and I deleted the other days entries. I noticed that for some of my states, the numbers went down. I looked at the chart more closely and it’s for the last 3 weeks, so deaths are dropping off as time goes on. So, my numbers are not deaths per day. They are total deaths over 3 weeks. I think they are still pertinent but only as a gauge of what is happening over time. The numbers increase to their apex and then start dropping. That’s what’s useful.
So, yeah, forget about all my entries about deaths. I’ll just post the chart:
While we’re on charts. One of my co-workers posted a video that describes a chart about the coronavirus. They designed it so they could chart exponentially. But look at this stuff in order. You need the explanation first:
And here’s the chart:
I find this chart hopeful because I can see China and South Korea going down. We will too.
Until next week…stay safe, sane and healthy!