Welcome back my 4 readers. (I figure I gained 1 last week). I’ve decided that I need to keep track of what’s going on for me. And tell someone about it. Congratulations! It’s you!
Monday March 16, 2020
I’m here at home, writing bug after bug after bug, getting riled because I hate writing obvious bugs. It’s a waste of my time. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe I should have been more involved in the design process. As if it were my choice, but still! Bug after bug.
We’re still working like the world is not coming to an end. That it will all blow over, people will get well, the Dow will go back up, and we’ll be able to sell our product.
I mean, if the world does come to an end, our software won’t be worth anything. But if it doesn’t, we’ll be ready to get going again.
The uncertainty is killing me.
I have no idea what’s going on, for real. I’m so used to following my intuition, even if it goes against everyone else’s. And I just don’t know.
The sun is shining today. I keep looking out the window at it and wondering “Is this real? Is this really going on?” My mind can’t wrap itself around the whole thing. Surely, there is a mistake. Surely, this is not happening.
Deep down, I knew this was coming, but I didn’t really EXPECT it, you know? And I’m still convinced that the flu shot is highly suspicious. I know, I know, so many of you are rabid fans of the flu shot. It’s one of those things I believe that others don’t. Time will tell.
POTUS is saying we might be staying home until July! What the fuck am I supposed to do here? I have so many projects to work on, but I seem to be too busy questioning reality to work on them. Maybe one day I’ll accept the new reality.
Tuesday March 17,2020 – Morning
I went to bed last thinking to myself, “Karin, when you wake up, you will accept the new reality.”
I don’t accept shit. I hold grudges. I’m constantly trying to magically change my past. Being accepting of bad situations is just not in my nature. A big part of that is the same as why I find it hard to believe we’re in the middle of a pandemic. People do things and don’t seem to realize what they’re doing. So, no apologies come.
Part of me thinks about the incident with someone about pronouns. Now I’m pretty sure that the person thinks I own her an apology, but I think I don’t. It wasn’t her pronoun. She told me that she scans Crackbook posts looking for pronoun mis-uses and when she sees them, she feels invalidated. I question whether that is my responsibility.
My grudges seem to be more rational. Point a finger at me and scream that I’m no good and will never be any good, well, that seems cut and dry to me. But not to the person who pointed the finger.
It’s so confusing. I want to accept the situation so that I can make a plan and start working on it. Knowing that it may come to nothing. And being okay with that. Being okay with doing it just because I want to. It’s time to ask, “in the limits of my apartment, what is it that I want to do?”
Tuesday March 17,2020 – Evening
My throat tickles, my chest feels heavy, and it’s a bit hard to breath. I’ve been coughing more.
I don’t know if it’s anything serious or just a) my chronic issues acting up or b) some symptoms of panic that I’ve probably been repressing.
I gotta say, part of me just wants to get it and get it over with as quick as possible. The uncertainty and anticipation is killing me.
Well, let’s see what happens tomorrow.
Wednesday March 18, 2020 – Morning
Okay, so it was just me and my brain chemistry. This morning I just have a lot of heartburn.
People are leaving my apartment building to go to work. Construction is happening all around me. It almost makes me question reality even more. If I didn’t know what was going on in Asia and Europe, I might go back to thinking it was all a bunch of hooey.
Thinking about the stimulus package recommended by POTUS. For many of us, money is not the big issue. It’s getting supplies. Having supplies available. I’m thinking the stimulus package should go to those who are living pay check to pay check. The big thing is: How do we feed everyone? How do we ensure the water supply? And how do we keep those providing them safe?
Wednesday March 18, 2020 – Evening
Walked to Greenwood to have lunch with Tim. It was great to see a friendly face! Everyone is like “oh! Social distancing! That means I shouldn’t even smile or nod at anyone anymore!” You’d think it would be the opposite, but I guess we are all suspect now. “Are you carrying the virus? How about you?”
Then I got sucked into Bartells and Fred Meyer because I’m convinced that I need MORE, MORE, MORE. How do you like it? How do you like it? (it’s a song, youngsters, look it up)
Hell, here it is:
Okay, maybe I’m feeling a bit giddy for some odd reason.
I saw Tim. I went to a different store than Ken’s. I got quarters from the bank so I don’t have to wear dirty clothes for the next few months. I have enough Theos dark chocolate for a month or so. (it’s a necessity) And something actually worked for me concerning the damn APIs at work. Whoo! Hoo!
I need a sedative…
Thursday March 19, 2020
We had what we call a “lean lunch” today on Zoom for work. One of the things about my company is its seemingly Godlike ability to pivot. So, it’s like…
CHARGE! Everyone rushes forward! HALT! CHANGE DIRECTION! CHARGE! Everyone rushes forward.
A lot of our meeting was what is our reality now, what is our new reality going to be, and how are we going to change because of it. CHARGE!
The expectation is that our world will be permanently changed. So weird. I feel like I may never leave my apartment again. People are going into work to get their desktop computers. I’m thinking about getting mine. It would be so much easier if I had a car though!
Anyhoo, I’m still here.
This evening I sang karaoke (I have an account). Feels like I’m getting used to the new situation.
Friday March 20, 2020
19 more deaths yesterday in Washington State. I was hoping that I was seeing a slowdown, even though I know it’s not realistic. Even though I know we are only at the beginning.
I felt the urge to go to the grocery store again. They have toilet paper by the roll now and it’s being rationed. I’m spending more than I’m used to but I think that’s okay. That’s what a savings is for. I got some Cheetos and some kombucha for a treat when I feel like I need it. You gotta treat yourself when you can these days, soon, having food at all may be a treat.
I’ve been working like a fiend. I know some who have been letting work go, but I think that work, continuing to work, is an Act of Hope. We need hope. Feeling hopeless will kill us faster. Hope tempered with a dose of reality. That’s the key.
And I’m thinking that taking better care of myself would also be an act of hope. I’ve been roaming around in my jammies for a couple of weeks now, just substituting my jammy pants for jeans when I go to the store. Part of me is “why bother?” Well, maybe I should, just for me.
Now people aren’t answering my questions on Slack. I just want to know if the identify server is down. I’m not going to tell you what that is because 1) I’m not entirely sure myself and 2) I’m sure they are on a meeting. No need to panic, Karin… Okay, there they are!
Went by a friend’s house to wave at here and say “hi” from afar. Her husband has the family pretty much on lockdown, even more than most folks around here. He’s probably the smart one.
Saturday March 21, 2020
9 more deaths yesterday in Washington State. I’ve started to keep track of the states where I have family/peeps. I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not but having a spreadsheet makes me feel a bit more in control. I have spreadsheets for everything.
I could be stuck in this apartment by myself for a long time. Part of me wishes I had a man here. Even if he annoys me sometimes. At least that’s a different emotion than fear. And I’d have someone to hug. Since I’d been backing away from the community I had been in, I’d been feeling that deficit of hugs. But all the hugs in the world are not worth my integrity.
Still, it would be nice to have a man around to annoy me.
I’m taking the bus down to work today. I want my package. Okay, okay, it’s just a Clowning book, but I feel deprived without it. Plus, I want to get my snacks/meds I left there, and Spanky, my Ewok stuffed friend. And water the plants, even though I wonder if I’m just extending their demise. Maybe I can save one of them and bring it home.
I think weekends are going to be the hardest. Weekdays I’m distracted by work. I guess I could work but maybe the time is best spent doing things for me. Cleaning, writing, learning, and soul-searching. Once this is over, my life will be completely changed. I’d like to be emotionally ready.