Humor, Stories, Monologues, Etc...

Three Twisted Letters – Valentine’s Day Edition

Sad Great Dane

Three twisted, and hopefully humorous. letters. A post-Valentine’s day celebration coming from a Valentines writing event from The Sketch School.  I’ve added the prompts to the bottom if you’re interested. Enjoy!

Dear John

Dear John,

It’s me, Brutus, your loyal Great Dane. Well, I was loyal. Things have changed so much, and I don’t understand why. I used to think it would be Heaven if you didn’t leave me every day. I watched you walk out that door and I was sure you’d never come back. But then, you came home and never left, and I was ecstatic!

First, I couldn’t get you to take me out for a walk or a piddle anymore. I had to beg and beg, and it only took pooping in front of the front door to get you to take me out.

Then, when I tried to snuggle with you, you pushed me aside. Why be home if you’re not going to snuggle with me all the time? I felt you pulling away. I howled my pain and instead of soothing me, you locked me in the laundry room!

And you’ve muzzled yourself! There are pictures of evil kittens all over it! Not only are you dangerous to me, but you also seem to be siding with the Dark Force!

I think it’s clear that you don’t want me anymore. I want to let you know that I’ve decided to move in with Mrs. Partridge across the street. I’ve been visiting and she’s so much more fun than you.

First, she loves to play with me! I jump her fence and she comes charging out of her house with a huge stick with bristles on the end. We play chase! She chases me around the yard. I’m really good at chase, she rarely gets me! When I’m tired, we play tug of war with the stick. It’s so much fun! She screams with delight!

Then, we play catch. This game is harder because she’s old and can’t see very well. She tends to hit me in the head with the sticks and lawn ornaments. I think she’s so feeble that that she just can’t get it over my head. But I give her a pass because she is so dedicated to playing with me.

And she feeds me! Well, she tries to feed me. She brings out a bowl of meat for me and then puts an extra special doggie treat in it from a container with a big skull and crossbows on it. Yes, it’s a very special doggie treat for tough dogs like me, Brutus! But I know that I’m not allowed meat since you are a vegetarian. She’s so sad when I don’t eat her food! But if I lived with her, I could have meat every day! I hate being a vegetarian.

So, you see, I’m going to a better place. A place that’s welcoming to dogs. A place that’s Heaven.

I hope that one day you get the help you need so you can unmuzzle yourself and break free from those kittens. Maybe one day you’ll find another dog, maybe even another Great Dane! And maybe you’ll treat that dog better. I hope that’s true.


Brutus, Your Former Great Dane

Ode to Lasagna

My Dear, Luscious, Lasagna,

My darling, it’s our 23rd Valentines together and I’ve never been more in love with you! Your seductive twists and turns of pasta, dancing for me. Your pockets of cottage cheese, peeking out at me from between your folds. And of course, your spicy, but sweet sauce that covers you. I worship you. I want you to know that.

But I have to admit, some of the ah… zest has gone out of our lives. I’ve noticed that the folds of your pasta have been drooping more every year. And the cottage cheese no longer peeks at me lovingly. It just squishes out like lazy dribbles of dog food coming out of Ranger, my shih tzu’s mouth. It’s not just unappealing, it’s appalling. And your sauce! It’s more bitter than spicy. Every time I take a taste, my nose wrinkles up. Surely you see my pain.

Now, I know it’s not all your fault. My watch hasn’t worked since 2003 and I often cook your noodles too long. I’m having a hard time keeping the restaurant open and I’ve been using the cheap cottage cheese. And I know that sugar is superior to Equal. But you know I have diabetes.

It just makes me so sad to see you not taking care of yourself. You know, Equal is supposed to help you not be so, let us say, oh yes…fat. What my darling? I didn’t know you could float in the air like that. Wait, what are you doing? Stay away from me! AAAGGHHH!

<smack lips> You’re right my darling, you’re just perfect.

Hot for Teacher

Dear Miss. Smiley,

I know you’re not Miss. Smiley. I know your name is Miss. Applegate. I just love your smile so much that when I see you, I think “Miss Smiley”. It’s a nickname!

I’m Sammie and I’m in the class on the computer. I’m the one at the top of all the other students when we’re using that Zoom thingy. Mommy is glad I’m in school now, but it doesn’t feel like school because I’m not there. If I was there, I would get to see you for reals. You are so pretty. I want to marry you when I grow up.

Mommy says I shouldn’t tell you this because I have to get a lot bigger before I can marry you. I stretch every day, trying to be bigger. Will you wait for me? I think you will. Every day I see your face on the computer screen, your big face, not like the other kids faces. You smile at me. You like me. You’re not smiling at the other students. You’re smiling at me alone! But Mommy says I have to wait.

I don’t want to wait! Why do I have to wait? We can get married now and I can come live with you! I can sleep in your bed!

I found you on Facebook. You like to ice skate? I like to ice skate! You like food? I like food! Except broccoli. I don’t like broccoli. Do you like broccoli? I hope not. You like to play with your friends? I like to play with my friends! Our friends can all play together!

Uncle Tommy told me that lots of people get married on the computer. They talk on the computer and then they get married. I signed for OkCupid and made a person in it. I used my dad’s picture and name because Mommy says I’m going to be just like my dad when I grow up, so it’s not a lie. I found you on the computer and we started talking for reals! I’m ROGER! But I’m not Roger, I’m Sammie! Surprise! Can we get married now?

I didn’t want to tell you yet because you might go away. I had to tell you, Miss Smiley. My mommy found out and now she’s fighting with my daddy. She thinks you’re going to marry my dad! But it’s me you’re going to marry! I tried to tell her, but she sent me to my room! I’ve been peeking out at them.

Dad is going to move out! Mommy took a case from the safe and now she’s waving a big gun around. Daddy said that is a no-no, that it should only be used in emergencies. She hit him on the head and he went asleep.

Oh no, she’s telling him she knows who you are and that she’s coming for you. With the gun! Mommy is really mad! Please, Miss Smiley, you need to leave the country! When I’m big you can come back and I’ll hit Mommy on the head if she waves that gun again. We will get married and we will be together forever. But now you need to run! She’s coming now!

I love you Miss. Smiley,

Sammie (your favorite student)


WHO:  Elementary school student

WHAT: Writing a Valentine to your Zoom 3rd grade teacher you have a crush on but never met in person

WHO:  A Master Chef

WHAT: Writing a Valentine’s love letter to your one true love: your signature lasagna dish  

WHO:  A dog

WHAT: A letter “breaking up” with the owner you have been stuck in lockdown with