The Inbetween

Over three years ago, I had a “manic” episode and ended up in LA, with all my stuff, on my way to becoming a professional actor.  Yeah, right.  Sure I did.  That’s what I wanted to do and I found enough faith the get me down there.  When I got there I discovered just how ego bound I actually was.   I told myself that I wanted to be a professional actor but my ego decided that I would be a STAR.  Two very different things.  And I was not a star.  I couldn’t even function.

I came back to Seattle a total wreck, my tail between my legs.  And then I started to save my own life.

You see, there are lot’s of paths you can take.  Lot’s of ways you can go.  An infinite number of decisions that are just waiting for you.  It’s overwhelming sometimes, to be presented with an all you can eat buffet but you only have 90 years.  I had this urge.  I had this urge to do something NOW.  That if I didn’t go right now, that would be it.  The end of my life.  And that decision took me to the end of my life. 

It was the lowest I’d ever been in my life.  There is nothing like sitting in a seedy motel on Aurora in Seattle with no money, no job, and too ego bound to actually ask for what I need.  I thought of killing myself but didn’t trust myself to get the job done.  I fear hospitals more than I fear death.  I think back to that time now and I am filled with so much gratitude.   A second chance….and it was given to me.  Like I might be worthy of it.

It was the end of my life.  And a true beginning.

My life changed the day I walked into a Manifesting Meetup in Seattle and learned the awesome power of energy medicine.  It led me to Tantra in Portland which led me to Ecstatic Dance in Seattle which lead me to the most awesome people I’ve ever met on this planet who are now leading me into a safe space where I can be led back to the performer that I am.  Who knows were I’ll be led next….Wow!

And here I find the inbetween.  The place where polarity conspires to keep us in the same place.  I see where I’ve been and I can see where I’m going and yet I don’t know yet how to get there.  There are lot’s of books and theories but they tend to show those 2 states.  Here you are.  You see it, feel it.  You look at the other end and you see where you are going.  You’re here…..THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENS…and you are there.  You ask Alice, how did you get from here to there?  She says “you just…”.  And you know deep down inside that there is no “just” about it.  There’s that point that you can’t put your finger on.  You can’t explain it.  No one can describe it and I certainly haven’t found any books on it.   Once you make it to the other side, it seems so simple.  A “no-duh” realization.  And yet, before you get to that place, it’s an impossibility. 

And so now I sit in the inbetween.  I’m surrounded by people who have the answer but who can’t explain it.  It really is a miracle.  I find myself trying to balance the polarities that live in me.  The need both for community and for solitude.  The performer and the painfully shy girl.  The knowledge that to achieve my hearts desire I have to let go of everything, including that desire.  Relationship with the divine that is both spiritual and yet of this manifest life.  All the sticky swarmy gooey delicious stinkiness that is life.

I sit in the inbetween and pray for guidance, assistance, energy and love.

I sit in the inbetween asking the divine to help me let go, to allow the miracle, however it manifests itself.  To allow me to cross over from here to there.

I sit in the inbetween, waving at you.