The following are three monologues coming out of The Sketch School’s Writing Party Summer Soiree. In it we were given three prompts. We choose one, had 10 minutes to write a monologue and then shared it with the group. I went ahead and wrote the other three later. You can see the prompts at the end. Enjoy!

A Dog’s Letter

Dear Dog Advocate,

I’m writing to the Advocacy for Dogs Sanity (ADS) in order to bring to your attention a situation that has profound effects on all Dogs state of mind. That situation is summer.

Summer is supposed to be a time of fun. We should be rolling in the grass, digging holes, and wildly barking. We should be chasing Mr. Nutso, the calico cat next door. (I will be writing another letter later asking for help with that cat. There’s only so much a dog can take.) We should be having the time of our lives! It was promised to us! But every year, we are disappointed. This year, it’s even worse.

We are under siege.

The enemy is at our door, and they are not going away. There has been nothing but bombings and explosions and gun fire, right in our neighborhood. Right in MY neighborhood. I hide under the bed but still, with my superior canine hearing, I can hear the screams of children. Not only are they destroying our neighborhood, but they are also torturing the kiddies! And the adult humans are laughing! No child deserves this! Well, maybe Bobby from two doors down… He’s s psychopath in the making… NO! No child deserves this!

Last night was the worst night ever. My human had the TV Box Thingy set to show the explosions and he was hypnotized. He didn’t hide! He went “ooh” and “ahh”. Then he got up and OPENED THE DOOR to LEAVE THE HOUSE! I had to do something! I had to protect my human! So, I tackled him and tried to bark sweet reason into him. I licked him to show him how much I loved him and how much I didn’t want him to die! Nothing I did worked! He was under the influence of the TV Box!

I became so anxious for his safety that I tried to get out of the house. I battered the door but couldn’t get it open. I tried to go through the window but only pulled down the shades and got tangled in them. Then I realized that if I made a big mess, he would HAVE to come back so he could punish me. Yes, I will sacrifice myself to save my human. I chewed up the couch. Got into the fridge (yes, I know how), and pulled out all the food and spread it all over the floor. I pooped in his slipper. I tipped over the lamp. I put my whole weight into it and pushed that demonic TV Box off the cabinet. BEGONE DISPICABLE HUMAN-HYPNOTIZING DEMON! BACK TO HELL WITH YOU!

Then I looked out the window and I saw my human, my human, lighting a bomb. He threw it. It exploded. And he laughed! I went wild. I broke through that window like the Hulk breaking through his tight clothes and went for my human. If I can’t save him, I will save his soul!

So, I’m writing from the City Pound. I didn’t save my human. He was so far gone that he blamed me for everything. They now have me on death row. I need intervention. Either a kind human who doesn’t have a TV Box, or an advocate. I’m imploring you to intercede on my behalf and on the behalf of all the dogs here awaiting their fate. Help us, ADS, you’re our only hope.

Sincerely,

Sir Rex-a-Lot, King of Dogs and Smelly Things

Pee in the Water

Back lifeguarding at the Pool! I was so excited to get back to it! Watching the kiddies having fun! Watching the parents run around yelling at the kiddies! Watching the young men strutting around trying to entire the young women into having kiddies!

And flirting with me, of course.

But not this year. Oh no! First, these kiddies that I love so much? They have lost their ability to see other people as people. Susie ran right over Mr. Miller lying in his chair as if he wasn’t even there, her foot jammed right into his “you know what” and he had to be rushed to the hospital. The Smith boys were shaking my chair and screaming obscenities like “you poop-head snowflake” up at me. And I saw Bobby peeing in the pool, from the top of the diving board, wearing a frilly bikini.

The parents were not any better. Moms were running around the edge of the pool yelling about Covid and blaming their apparently deaf husbands for the death of their children. The Jones’ children were wearing their masks in the pool. They kept falling off and getting stuck in the drains. Their mother was just sitting there with a pile of them to replace them when they fell off. And Bobby’s dad joined in the peeing fun on the diving board. He was in costume. I’ve never seen elephant swim trunks before.

All the young men have gotten fat and but don’t seem to notice it. They were all wearing speedos and prancing around like some sort of overweight tooth fairies. The girls were not impressed and threatened to turn them into the City Council for violating their right to being surrounded by actual hotties. No one is living in reality anymore.

And no one is trying to pick me up when clearly, I’m the hottest lifeguard at the pool! They won’t even listen to me when I blow my whistle! They actually back away from me when I peel my new girth from the seat and come after them. I’m not fat! There’s just more of me to love! They insult me by yelling “pee-ew” when I get close. Don’t they know we just came from a pandemic? I mean, I’m sure they all have the scent of Cheetos and Cherry Slushies coming out their pores too. It’s demeaning and offensive. Plus, there is no rule that says I have to shower before starting work. Or ever! That was the biggest gift of the pandemic.

Lifeguards are just not respected anymore! I quit!

Hello Mudder

Hi Mom!

I’m so glad you made me come to Sleepaway Camp! I really didn’t want to go. I wanted to go to computer camp and work on learning Java. I was so sure this camp was going to be terrible, but you were right, it really is a great thing!

You know how you always want me to make friends and be one of the guys? Well, guess what? I am! The boys in my cabin took me under their wing right away. You know how boys tease each other when they’re friends? Well, I’m the most popular boy in camp. Everyone teases me. First, they played catch with my Sonic toothbrush. I cleaned it really good after if fell into the toilet. Then, when I was sleeping, they put peanut butter on my hand and tickled my nose. Peanut Butter was everywhere! And then, the put a snake in my pack. It was really scary! But all in good fun. Mr. Peabody says that even if it had bitten me, the poison would have only lasted a few days before it left my system. I’m in!

And, you know how you want me to lose weight? Well, it’s coming off! All my new friends have been helping me by eating my dessert every meal. Sometimes they’ll even take the rest of my food. It’s really easy to lose weight if you don’t have anything to eat. Maybe we shouldn’t go to the grocery store anymore. You and Dad might lose weight too!

And finally, do you know how you always wanted me to learn how to swim? I can swim now! They guys rowed me out to the center of the lake and pushed me in! They said it was the best way to learn. Then they rowed back calling encouragement to me to catch up with them. I didn’t catch up but I did make it back to shore! I can swim! They celebrated by throwing me back in the lake! It feels so good!

Thanks so much for sending me to this camp mom! I’m learning so much! Tomorrow we go rock climbing. It’s pretty steep and pretty tall. I’m a little afraid. But I know my guys will be right there to help me. This is the best summer of my life!

Love,

Ralphie

Prompts:

• A community pool lifeguard, returning after a summer off and realizing they don’t miss it as much as they thought
• A ten-year-old, excitedly writing home describing the first night at Summer Sleepaway Camp
• A Dog, explaining its frustration about the illegal fireworks that go off all summer in the neighborhood