It’s been over 6 months since I walked out of my office and went home to stay. It seems like it’s been years. At first, I was posting blog posts by the week talking about what was going on with me during this time. That, of course, dropped off as staying home became the new normal.
I thought that, since it is the 6 months point, I’d go ahead and do a Status Update. In case anyone wanted to know what I’ve been up to.
Working from Home
This is actually going pretty well. And it’s going pretty badly…
Going Well
It’s going pretty well because I don’t have to commute. That means I have more time in my day to do other things. It also means that a lot of the anxiety I was having going to work in Downtown Seattle is also pretty much gone.
Taking the bus to work was a stressor. Seattle is the land of protests and they have been going on almost daily since President Trump was elected. Considering I have PTSD around groups of people, staying away from them has been a Godsend.
It was also a stressor because Downtown Seattle is home to many crazies. Throwing things, screaming at me, walking into traffic, peeing, or walking around with their pants hanging around their ankles. It’s both upsetting and very sad. What are we to do? When I see them, I end up feeling helpless. I have a hard enough time dealing with myself. I’m a crazy too, you know….
It’s also nice that I can do things like my laundry while I’m working. It really doesn’t take a long time to do the actions of laundry. That’s like 10 minutes. But the waiting time can be a killer.
And, if I get really tired, I can go lie down for a couple of minutes.
I have everything I need right here. I can stay right here.
Going Badly
Nothing is ever all good or all bad. I tend to be a loner as it is. But even as a loner, I need to be around people at least some of the time. Going to work gave me some of that. I miss seeing people’s faces.
I find that I feel like I’m out of the loop at work. If I don’t see people face to face, I may miss clues as to what’s going on.
I miss the routine. I had a ½ hour bus ride home to relax and be ready to be home.
A couple of times I had to go into the office to deal with my servers. I’m not fond of Downtown Seattle at the moment, since the vandals/rioters destroyed it. I don’t want to go there anymore.
If we do get another office space, and I’m pretty sure we’re not, I hope it’s not Downtown.
Masks
I hate the masks. And no, it’s not because my freedoms are being infringed upon, it’s other stuff…
I have chronic lung issues as it is. Wearing a mask makes it hard to breathe. And now that the wildfires are raging all over the West, I can’t just take it off when no one’s around. I have to wear it when I leave the house.
The biggest problem is that I can’t see people’s faces. I’m a bit paranoid as it is, added to the PTSD and I don’t know what people are thinking or what they’re up to. Seeing the face makes me feel like I can figure out if they’re a threat or not. I imagine them judging me for some reason. Or I imagine them a vandal/rioter who might attack me at any moment.
So, I get it, but I hate it.
Loneliness
Like I said earlier, I tend to be a loner, but damn it, I need people! I used to get my people fix by going to work and to class. I don’t get to go anymore.
Add that to the fact that I’ve backed away from a community I was loosely involved in (due to their judgmental attitudes and their violence toward other members) and hadn’t gotten in with a new group yet. So, I don’t have a lot of options of people to connect with!
My closest buddy is Tim, who is my work husband, but he’s also 16 years younger than me and has his own thing going on. I got really riled up when he couldn’t have a beer with me on Wednesday. And not against him, but against the fact that I’m between groups and don’t have anyone to talk to.
I got onto supportive.com and did a chat. It was nice to tell people what I was feeling but I didn’t get any good advice and it ended up just riling me up even more.
It’s even worse because I’m 56! A lot of people my age are slowing down. I still think I have a shot of getting on Saturday Night Live. I may be delusional but that’s how far apart I am from my peers. When I go to parties, I’m often the oldest one there and sometimes the other party goers get alarmed thinking I’m complaining about the noise. I was just as interested in the promised brisket as anyone else!
Where are the old people who want to play? Hummm? Go to class! Play pool or foosball? Humm? I can’t be the only one out there!
Vandals/Rioters
Hate them. I hate them a lot. Destroying your own city, threatening your own neighbors and their children, and trying to burn people alive is NOT the way to go about it.
Plus, they are NOT “Black Lives Matter”. They’ve been asked to stand down by the Black leaders and have refused. This is not protesting. This is just a bunch of dumbasses indulging in their violent impulses.
Did I say I have PTSD? I keep thinking I hear them coming for me. I heard them last night. I had to shut everything down just to convince myself they really weren’t out there.
And since a lot of people are now voting for President Trump again because of them….
Well, fuck ‘em all!
Health
All of this has made me overly stressed out. My stomach is having more issues than normal. My kidney’s are buzzing a lot. Both organs are giving me hot flashes. My spine is hurting more than usual. (I have 5 herniated discs) And I’m to anxious and am often depressed.
I finally decided to stop watching the news and getting on Crackbook feeds. That’s helped a lot. The Metro kept sending me emails about the buses being delayed due to “civic events”. Well, I don’t want to know about them anymore, so I had to stop those emails from coming.
There’s just too much crap out there. I can’t figure out what’s real and what isn’t. So many people think they’re experts now and are willing to tell us all about it. Most of what they say is bullshit. They don’t know what they’re talking about and it just muddies the situation.
So, I’m trying to relax and get healthy again.
Getting Out
I’ve started getting out a bit more.
Every-so-often I meet Tim for a beer at an outdoor beer garden.
When I went down to Gasworks Park on a walk, I had a patty melt at The Varsity. I sat at a table and everything!
Last weekend, I took a Lyft to Alderwood Mall. They were open, it had been 6 months, I needed to go. You would not believe it. That place was crowded! Like normal! There were some differences. Everyone was in a mask. There were lines outside of the most popular places. The AMC was still closed. The larger stores didn’t have dressing rooms open. And the tables in the food court were limited and 6 feet apart. People were constantly cleaning things and showing us to the antibacterial lotion.
Yep, I had a Cheesesteak and fries! And I sat there and watched people! It was soooo good…
It was a good thing to see what was happening outside Seattle. People in Seattle are still looking at each other like their lives are threatened. It was nice to see some normalcy.
Plus, I got to go on the interstate. That was important because…
Today I’m meeting a friend in Marysville for lunch. And I’m renting a car and driving there. And I haven’t driven in over a year. I needed to be on the interstate before I drive on it again.
I am concerned about the smoke in the area though. But I need to do this. I’ll just clean out my sinuses again when I get home.
Part of me thinks that the reason I had my fit when Tim wouldn’t’ have a beer with me was because I’d been to Alderwood Mall and was aware that not everyone is acting like we do in Seattle. If I lived up there, my life might be totally different. Heck most of the restaurants in my area are still either Take-out or outside seating only.
I think that I need to go to these places a bit more, if only to see people. I can go to the Wing Dome and have fried pickles. Or to a pub and have fish and chips. See people, maybe even talk to them. See that I’m not so alone.
If this lasts much longer, I may have to find a man to move in with me. Having someone around to annoy me every so often, along with hugs and kisses, might keep me from being lonely.
Anyhoo, that’s the update. If you made it this far, let me know. We can do a Zoom chat. That would be nice too!
