Sick…Still…

I find myself falling sick again, or maybe still. Yes, it’s my default mode and has been ever since I was attacked by that acting teacher and his students. PTSD can do a number on the body, and the mind. I’m exhausted.

Part of me questions writing about all of this on my blog. But in reality, I don’t think anyone is reading it anyway. And if they are, they probably don’t want to read more about someone’s health and well-being problems. I mean how boring is that?

Crackbook Group

I got on this C-PTSD group on Crackbook for a while. The goal was to find ideas and maybe even solutions to my problems. But almost all the posts were from people like me. Sometimes telling their story, sometimes expressing pain. There are a lot of people in this group and my feed filled up with them. And I get it. I’m there too. And I even engaged for a while to show support. But all of that pain really got to me. I need help. I don’t want to feel like I belong to a group I don’t really want to belong to. Is that bad of me?

On one of the posts, I told the group that if you have a friend who is joking way too much, something is wrong and that it’s a cry for help. Comedians do that. The make the joke, or create some misdirection to take attention off their issue. A comedian in pain is one of the loneliest people in the world. Why you may ask? Don’t they have a lot of fans? Yeah, but all those fans just see the comedian as a funny person. Humans really don’t have enough room for a full person. They put a label on that person and then ignore the rest. Too many comedians commit suicide and too many fans can’t understand why.

Anyway, I made my comment and someone got on there with crying emojis telling me to leave her alone in her inappropriate humor and pain. I asked myself. Why are these people in this group anyway? Maybe it’s not to actually get help and grow. Maybe it really is to feel like they’re not alone in it. I already know I’m not alone. The world is filled with people like me. My goal is to not be one of them anymore.

So, I left the group.

Work Issues

If a software tester for a company that’s combining 3 products together and adding a mobile product for the whole thing.

I’ve been stressed for a long time. Most people can’t really relate to the struggles inherent in testing legacy systems. Systems that tend to be homegrown often are rife with bugs and have very little documentation. They are a pain in the ass, and they take a lot of time and energy to do them justice.

I’m the only tester for all of this. I’ve been doing everything in my power to focus on one system and the mobile app. I don’t want to touch the other systems. I might have been willing to do one of them if they’d not laid off the other tester. He wasn’t a real tester as in training and experience, but I was working with him, trying to train him up. Then they got rid of him and left me alone.

My direct supervisor thinks I should be testing all of it. And oh, I don’t think he means by testing what I mean by testing. He’s seems to be thinking about just testing new code. But the old code is so buggy that it would drive me nuts to not write bugs. Plus, in order to truly test, a tester needs to understand the whole system. I just don’t have space in my noodle for more systems. I already have two. One incredibly complicated and the other really flaky. Both pull on my energy and noodle.

The idea that I may have to test 4 systems alone really stressed me out and I started getting sicker and not sleeping, finally losing it at a meeting. This is just not good for me.

Yesterday I had a talk with my supervisor’s supervisor. Or my own manager. It’s all very confusing. And he agreed that I should stick with my systems. So that was a big relief because I was already starting to figure out my exit strategy. I might do it anyway, and then sit on the results until I need them, if I need them.

The best that could happen, at this moment, is to stay with this company, working with my 2 systems. I know my job, I have my tools, most of the knowledge I need is already uploaded into my noodle. And I can work remotely from anywhere. I can go to L.A. I can take classes down there.

When the apocalypse is over.

You’d think that the relief of not having to take on the other 2 systems would be a big help, but no, I didn’t get any sleep again last night.

Continuing Issues

I feel like I’m on roller coaster of health issues. So many ups and downs. Twists and turns. So many variables and symptoms and integration issues.

Sometimes I think about going to a doctor. But I already know a few things about that, from experience.

• If you have too many unrelated symptoms, they don’t know what to do with you and just try to get you out of their office.
• If you don’t look really sick, they won’t listen to your concerns.
• They’re not curing anything anyway. Western Medicine is a business. And businesses are moving to subscription models. The health care system is the same. No one is helped really; they just maintain you.

I’m looking for a cure. I don’t want to drain my back account on stuff that’s not a cure. People often point to what they’re doing with cancer. Yes, that can work. But cutting off body parts and doing procedures that cost about 16K a pop (chemo) isn’t my idea of a real cure. Especially since chemo and radiation can affect the body in other ways. My body is already a mess, chemo would kill me.

And I don’t look sick. I go to a lot of trouble to stay as healthy as I can. Western medicine doctors take one look at me and think I’m a hypochondriac. They won’t even listen. The last specialist I went to see just shrugged her shoulders at me. No help at all! Why would I go? What do they really have to offer me?

I went to a Chinese doctor for my Ulnar nerve issues. I’ve been losing functionality in my hands and arms. He hooked me up to a machine and there was my life. There was my health in all it’s glory. There was the madness that I live in.

I felt vindicated.

He actually told me that I would have trouble with western doctors because of how I present myself. I don’t look sick. Yeah, I know.

I think I kind of scared the Chinese doctor. Not only was my health all over the place, but it changed from test to test. With the exception of the Ulnar Nerve issues, the rest of my system was wildly fluctuating.

How the hell do you treat all of that? How do you pinpoint the problem? How can you come up with a solution that will work when the problems morph randomly?

I remember when I got glasses. In a years’ time, I ended up with 4 different prescriptions of glasses because my eyes changed so quickly that the prescription no longer worked. After 4 pairs I gave up on glasses and now just wear readers. My eyes still change all the time.

That’s where I am with doctors. How can they possibly help me when my health is acting like Loony Toon’s Tasmanian Devil?

After the weeks of acupuncture and herbs, I got a lot of functionality back in my hand and arm. But it’s still not 100%. And in fact, the test after the round of acupuncture showed no change at all in the meridians that affect the Ulnar Nerve. I’m still old and weak.

How can acupuncture work if my system is raising hell all the time?

So, I’m backing off on acupuncture for now as well.

Today

My main goal now is to get my system under some kind of control. I think that doing that will eliminate a lot of the problems. What am I doing?

• I’ve decided to truly go gluten-free
• I’m paying more attention to my blood sugar
• I’m trying to reduce stress
• I’m trying to come up with systems that can ease my life
• Thinking about taking some medical classes so I understand better
• Do more mediation and energy medicine

The hard part is the stress. I do have PTSD and no one has been able to figure out how to reverse it yet. I have no control over what goes on at work. It is the apocalypse.

Yet I need to find a way.

My body is not going to be able to take much more of this. I already feel like my days are numbered, in the triple digits.

I need to find a way.

Wish me luck and good health.

I’ll find a way…