My Noodle

Scared to Death – Second Vaccine Shot

Today, at 12:40pm, I’m getting my second covid vaccine. I’m getting Moderna since that’s what my brother Rick got and he’s still alive.

There seems to be a lot of joy around getting the vaccine. People are bonding over their vaccine stories and any side effects they may have had. Everyone is ready to get back to life!

I’m ready to get back to life too!

But I’m not looking forward to the second shot.

People keep trying to calm me by pointing at statistics and talking about science. But there are flaws in their logic.

  • My Uncle Jerry died days after getting the first shot.
  • And none of these vaccines are actually FDA approved.
  • And there hasn’t been time to test.

That alone is enough to make me go hummmm….

Add in human history in which governments, scientists, groups, and individuals have not acted responsibly and sometimes act downright evil, and my hummmmm…. Gets a bit louder.

Add in the goal to get population under control, and my hummmmm…. Turns into a scream.


Sometimes people get fanatical.

When my Uncle Jerry died and I expressed concern that it was the vaccine, people pointed at statistics. Statistics are irrelevant (and offensive) when your family is one of the unlucky ones.

They are also so fanatical that they express their opinion that they are okay with my uncle dying. That they are glad he got that vaccine. Because it makes them feel safer. (more offense)

Neither of these is something a caring person would do. These are words of fanatics.

When the J & J vaccine got pulled, some people expressed fear that people would reconsider taking the vaccine. But that IS science. If there is new evidence, you have to reassess your assumptions. It’s the basis of science. Science is not fact. It’s the taking of what we currently know, usually through experiments, and coming up with theories and hypothesis’ about how the world works. But none of it is in stone. It adjusts all the time as we gain more information.

The people yelling the loudest about “the science”, just don’t understand science.

The hard-headed part of me is so annoyed at the fanatics that I feel like not getting the vaccine, on principle, and to annoy them back.

Losing It

I’ve pretty much lost it during all of this.

I live alone.

I dropped the community I might have had support from (not a given), due to their violence, right before this even started.

I have no boyfriend, and no pet.

People I previously relied on as a touchstone have let me down.

It’s impossible to find professional help. Either they are booked until July or don’t bother to even respond your calls and emails.

Add all of that to the fact that I’m bi-polar and tend to lean toward suspicion and negativity, (I really need to quit being a software tester), I’m a woman on the edge.

And there is a small number of suicidal thoughts in there as well. Don’t worry, there are many things I can do before I get to that point. Quitting my job, for instance… (they are so stressful)

I need to get the fuck out of my apartment and do stuff again. Even introverts need people sometimes!

What I really need is to see people’s faces. I’m so tired of the masks. It’s hard to know if someone is a threat when they’re masked.

Back to Life

Things are coming back to life! It’s so exciting!

But they are coming back to life with an assumption: Everyone will be fully vaccinated.

ComedySportz – class resuming, everyone vaxed!

Drunken Philosophy – meeting resuming, everyone vaxed!

General Get-togethers – only if you’re vaxed!

The vaccinations scare me to death. I had a reaction to the first shot. My chest got really hot and tight, and breathing wasn’t as relaxed as it could be. So, the second one? Well, let’s just say that the month of May was brutal for me. I’ve been in a panic and scared to death all month. I’ve been afflicted with sudden bouts of crying. I’ve had very little sleep and it feels like my body is falling apart. My immune system is a mess which makes the whole thing even more dangerous and scary.

I feel like I’m going to my death today. I could die today, or tomorrow, or Monday.

It pisses me off!

I feel like in order to have a life at all, I’m forced to risk my life.

A fucking vaccine that isn’t approved and isn’t fully tested!

How the fuck did this happen?

If I were a homebody, I might not bother. But I’m a child of the world. I need to get on airplanes and go places. I need people, at least a little. I need to have a little bit of fun.

So, I can die by my own hand from isolation and loneliness, or I can get the vaccine and pray that the fucker doesn’t kill me. The first is probable, the other is possible, ie Russian Roulette.

So, today I get the second shot of Moderna.

If I die from it, so long and thanks for nothing, World! PHHHTTTTT!