Wasn’t this a movie?
He’s not the only one Simon Watson from the UK has fathered over 800 children, Ari Nagel from New York City has 76 children and at least one fertility doctor, Dr. Cline, has used his own sperm to impregnate desperate women.
Sperm Daddies…running wild…
This is taking “spreading the seed” a bit too far. Whatever happened to having a perfectly respectable affair with Clair next door? Whatever happened to hiding in the bathroom with an ancient, well used copy of Playboy? The Anna Nichole Smith edition? Whatever happened to finding some likely looking hole in a tree and just trying to make it work?
Ever since the pandemic started, people have been trying to find something to do. A distraction from the fact that we are in the middle of an apocalypse. Some have taken to learning Spanish. Or attempting to try every cocktail in their bartending book. Or getting subscriptions to LinkedIn Learning and adding more skills to their arsenal.
And some people think that the end of civilization is a really good time to have a kid.
I have to admit that this is not surprising. Almost every species is wired to propagate itself and humans are no different. We’re at a time of massive change. The human race is under threat. The more kiddos we have running around, the more likely we’ll survive it.
But I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about the men, the donors, the ones who clearly have gone too far. The Sperm Daddies.
When COVID-19 came knocking the demand for donors went up. Because of the fear of COVID-19, donorship went down.
The demand is high. Too high for the donor pool. The reduced pool of willing donors has been working their asses off. They’re exhausted, but unlike women, it doesn’t stop them.
It would seem the time is ripe for some good old-fashioned Capitalism to spring up here. Those donors should be raking in the green.
But no, many of them aren’t paid at all. In some countries, it’s against the law. The recipients tend to be paid only for travel expenses.
Donors are meeting women on Facebook and flying all over the world, throwing their sperm around like it’s a bunch of cheap Mardi gras beads.
And like Mardi gras, women are flying through the air, doing painful calisthenics, and breaking the law to get after all that sperm.
Soon women will start waiting in lines for days, having fights when someone tries to cut the line, and having groups of rioters show up to intimidate the donor to pick them first.
Romance novels will quit showing men kidnapping women and seducing them into loving them. Instead they’ll start showing Sperm Daddies being kidnapped by communities of women, forced to father children, and then being made to pay child support.
“He shouldn’t have looked so virile. And those tight jeans! It’s his own fault. We couldn’t help ourselves.”
Daring companies will have to come up with new product to disseminate the sperm efficiently. Maybe some sort of beer bong hybrid with multiple hoses. Women can lay side by side, bonding with each other as they all get pregnant at the same time. Maybe even a set of pods like in the Matrix! A thousand women all getting impregnated with the same sperm!
The world has become the International House of Sperm.
It’s a Vesuvius of sperm.
The pink color designates intelligence.
Check yours.
The demand for sperm has sky rocked as the pandemic continues. People want sperm and they want it now. And they want “smart sperm”, college educated sperm. And they get it from Frats.
Have you ever been to a Frat party? Maybe they should tap the Dungeons and Dragons clique. Or the AV lab.
It’s such a problem in the Netherlands that they are concerned about half-siblings, unknowingly getting together, and popping out children that may have birth defects.
Forget genital warts, now the pre-sex conversation has to revolve around the question “are you my brother?”
“Do you have your DNA report? Good! Let’s look. Okay, so we share about 48% of our DNA. Siblings share about 50%. Does that mean we’re NOT siblings? Do you think we’re okay?”
I guess it depends upon how many margaritas you drank and the quality of the Molly you took.
It is entirely too confusing to have men flying all over the world impregnating women. It’s also a threat to humanity, perverting the gene pool. Simon Watson has fathered 800 children, that he knows about. The UK is not a huge area!
Add in the donors who are going about it outside of official channels and you have a second pandemic on our hands!
Currently, the regulations around donating sperm are a bit fuzzy. In the UK, a donation can legally be used to up to 10 families. But it can be used multiple times within that family! A good Catholic family might have over 10 kids. If the donor donates at multiple clinics, it’s easy to see how Mr. Watson ended up with 800 kids.
Now the donor can choose how many families or how many kids, but we’re talking about the Sperm Daddies here. Money is not the motivation. When asked about their motivation, many answered:
“I was just trying to help.”
Men and their innate need to help…
Heck, some of these men stay in contact with the families and go visit them.
Even dead men get into the action. It’s now possible to father a child from the hereafter.
I thought the “Nyle Hatcher” episode on “The Blacklist” was a form of science fiction. Apparently not!
In some ways, this apparently biological drive to “seed the world” may explain why heavily male governments keep trying to regulate women’s bodies.
In the Bible, we were told to “go forth and multiply.”
I think we’re done multiplying! Population is a problem. Let’s put it another way. Your mama told you to “clean your bedroom.” Why aren’t you still cleaning it? Because, once it’s done, it’s done.
Until you need to do it again.
Maybe it’s time to start regulating the Sperm Daddies. They are becoming a hazard. A national database or something. Harsh penalties for those who find recipient via Twitter. An ankle tracker for multiple offenders.
“Hey Joe! There’s Andy again on the corner with that ‘Free Children’ sign,” said Tom as he took out his handcuffs. “You know, part of me envies him.”
Hasn’t anyone else see Star Trek’s “The Trouble with Tribbles”?
We were warned…
Notes:
- This Rant came from an exercise in the “Jokes Jokes Jokes” class with Doug Caro at The Sketch School
- The original source for this rant:
- Other Sources:
