I’m currently in the process of brainwashing myself. What’s that quote that Albert Einstein didn’t say? Oh yeah…”The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s it!
So why is it that our subconscious, or the crazy voice in our heads, do their best to keep us doing the same thing over and over again? Telling us that somehow the world will end if we don’t keep ourselves in line?
Guilt, shame, blame, delusions, procrastination, and rationalizations seem to be standard for us, all trying to keep us like we are now until the end of time.
This is so much hooey.
I left my job and am putting together a new career for myself and I don’t have the time for this bullshit.
So, I started taking Amy Jo Berman’s “Wicked Cool Confidence” class. She ripped the audio from the class so that we could play it over and over again, so it’ll sink in and maybe actually make a difference.
You know, brainwash the Karin.
I had no idea just how messed up I actually am.
Karin’s Messed Up
Yeah, I’m messed up, like everyone else. For me, it’s a matter of PTSD. Bad parents, bad teachers (and his students), bad spiritual community leaders, riots, and bad workplaces all contributed to a life of PTSD.
What happens is that I do something triggering, you know, like going to the store, and I jump on a hamster wheel, replying all the crap. And it’s not even the crap itself that distracts me so completely. It’s the sense of incredulity.
You see, I study, a lot. And I understand logically how all the crap happened in the first place. But emotionally, I don’t get it. And that’s the topic of the tapes running in my head.
- How could she ever thing that was a good idea?
- What part of threatening families with brinks does he think is not threatening?
- Why would you hound a great software tester out of your company?
It’s like I’m in a swamp of astonishment. I’m kinda there now just talking about it.
Stop it Karin, we’re talking about brainwashing here.
Wicked Cool Confidence
I took this class that’s supposed to help actors get over themselves so that they are free to have the career and life that they desire. I loved it. Amy Jo said a lot of things that I already believe logically and that I need my subconscious, my nervous system, to believe.
Taking the class itself, no problem.
You know how it goes, we go to class and get a lot of information. We think to ourselves “Oh yeah! I can totally use that! My life is going to change!”
And then we get home and forget all about it. Or tell ourselves we’ll start tomorrow. Or some other bullshit.
I decided to do what Amy Jo said and put the audios on my phone and listen every day. I do about 45 minutes a day while I’m doing exercises and steaming my sinuses. I’ve been at it for over a month now. Almost every day!
Life is great for the 45 minutes I’m listening to the audios. Then the madness ensues.
The Madness
I have been in a constant state of being triggered for weeks. And it doesn’t take much. Hell, it doesn’t even need a reason.
Suddenly I’m crying and I have no idea why. So, of course my noodle starts making up reasons for all the emotion. Then I have to have a session with my inner child who decides it’s a good time to tell me what she thinks.
And yes, comforting my inner child is a great thing.
I’m on Crackbook and I happen to see the video of the scene test for “Robin” and of course I watch it, knowing damn well it’s too soon for me to watching that sort of thing. I tailspin into standup comedy and it’s history of suicides, which leads to my friend Jeff’s death (cancer, not suicide), which leads to the dumbass CEO who was calling him and berating him for not being at work when he was in the hospital trying to save his own life, which leads to the new CEO who was supposed to be our savior but who instead pushed out his only tester because she wrote bugs and refused to test 4 separate applications all by herself. No one can do that! How could he even think such a thing? And whether they hire another tester us not my decision to make? Well, now they have no tester. Good job!
I end up flummoxed by all of it. Confused. Incredulous.
When I’m practicing voice over, my voice is cracking, and my mouth is making weird noises. My ears start ringing and I have a hard time hearing my recordings. Do I really have to buy software that will remove all these problems? Do I suck so badly? Is this just stress? Will it go away? Will it go away before my next audio class?
And while I’m on it, will I be able to get my noise floor (room noise) down enough to be able to actually work from home? How many blankets do I need to buy to soundproof this place? I have seven more on the way! And when will all the construction be over with? Will I need a car so I can work?
Maybe I shouldn’t even be doing voice over! If I’d chosen screenwriting, I wouldn’t have had to buy all this equipment and take all these classes! I already own Final Draft! I could have gotten a cork board and a bunch of index cards!
And I’m pissed off that my narration classes are on Sunday afternoons which means that I won’t be able to do the ComedySportz Rec League matinees. I need my improv fix. It was the thing I missed the most during the apocalypse.
Although admittedly, online day classes are easier to deal with than night classes. I’m on the computer too much as it is.
And I know, without a doubt, that all of this is resistance. It’s a distraction to keep me from doing the things that I want to do, that I know I can do, that can bring me joy and happiness!
And I also know, without a doubt, that this is the same bullshit that has kept me from pursuing my dreams my whole life. It’s just getting set off more by listening over and over again that me and my talents are a gift to the world. That I don’t need to wallow about in guilt and shame. That by living my best life, I’m gifting the world with an example that they can follow.
That it’s okay to succeed beyond my wildest dreams.
And finally, I also know, without a doubt, that this bullshit needs to end.
Brainwashing Karin
So yeah, I’m going to continue to listen to my audios and do my best to calm myself down enough to take it in.
I’ve also signed up for a self-hypnosis class. I’m currently trying to get over my general fear of people.
I almost signed up for a Tarot reading class but then I realized that I was just distracting myself with classes. As per usual. I put that one in my pocket.
When my noodle starts asking if I actually want to do voice over, I will pat it on the back and get into my booth and practice.
Why my noodle starts whining about money, I’ll remind it that money worrying isn’t scheduled until after I’m done with my core classes at Voice One.
When my noodle starts complaining that we’re not progressing in voice over as fast as hoped and that I’m a failure, I’ll remind it that the goal was unrealistic in the first place, that it takes time, and that if I do have to get a job next year, I can just get a short contract. The goal is to get as much done as possible before then.
I’m so done with this bullshit.
Well, it’s time to listen to Amy Jo talk about how much I’m willing to be fully myself in the world will determine how far I actually go.
Maybe this time, it’ll sink in…
