Ideas and Musings, My Noodle

Round and Round

My thoughts go round and round, like a never-ending carousel with all the horses faces replaced with people I know, or have known, or think I know. No smiles. Just snarls and knowing looks. Some maniacal laughter just on the surface of their lips. I just want to get off that carousel. I tell myself “I’m just not going to get on it anymore.” But then my feet find their way to it. “I’m just going to watch it for a while,” I tell myself. Then I get back on it. “Maybe this time it will be different.” It’s never different. I’m so delusional. I don’t understand why I tell myself it will be. Do I really want to be…

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My Noodle

Playing Offense

I was walking around Greenlake, my head in a fog. So much anger flowing inside me. I get pissed off about the things going on in the world, things going on in communities I’m a part of, the media with its never-ending litany of bullshit. Ignorant people who believe they have the right to shame and blame. People holding me responsible for not just their feelings, but for remembering their life choices and structuring my life around them. Lying to me about a chocolate allergy, and then holding me responsible for remembering it, is not cool. And yeah, I saw you eat chocolate. I felt so helpless. Like life is just dashing rocks against me and I have no will…

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My Noodle

Everyone’s Sane…But Me

I come from a hard background. Like many people, my parents were divorced, and Dad didn’t hold up to his responsibilities. Mom had to do it on her own, and she was not capable. Maybe it was the schizophrenia. She drank too many rum and cokes, took too many prescription pills, and chased too many cowboys. There was often no food in the house. Mom thought boiling a cabbage with a bouillon cube was a good dinner. He doesn’t remember it but I remember my brother Kelly saying to me, “I wish I had more of the green stuff.” He won’t even eat cabbage anymore. I often would go into the restroom at the rec center and unwind toilet paper…

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My Noodle

Running Towards Fear

Today, I am afraid. I’m deathly afraid and I’m afraid all the time. Trying to sort through the fear in any sort of meaningful way, seeing it as a whole, flummoxes me. I have an appointment with another health care worker and that makes it worse. I have a history of being fired by therapists, coaches, anyone who are supposed to help. I guess it’s a little like dating, after one too many bad dates, I feel like throwing in the beach towel. Today, I fear Death. Not Death itself, but the idea that it’s time for me to die. It might be next year, next month, tomorrow, or even today. I feel my mortality. Deeply. I am going to…

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My Noodle

The Girl is Back in Town

I’m back! Yes, I know it’s the most exciting thing you’ve heard in a long time. I mean, where did I go? What did I do? What was I doing for the last eight years? Why should you even care? I really recommend not caring. At least too much. For crying out loud, there are about 173 million blogs world-wide (according to mediakix.com). So, mine is the 173,000,001th. Not very exciting. Everyone is trying to say their piece and be known in the world. It’s all “Bread and circuses.” Who am I to add yet another voice to the madness that is our lives? No one. And that’s why I’m doing it. Like everyone else, I want to be known.…

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My Noodle

A Random Life

I play a series of games on a website called Lumosity.com.  They specialize in brain training games and those of you who know me well probably realize that my brain needs lots of training.  The games are not like the video games that our beloved obsessive gamer friends know and love.  Games like Donkey Kong have rules and set patterns built into the game.  If you take the time, you can learn these rules and patterns to the point where you can win the game. Lumosity games are not like this.  Lumosity games deal with, to varying extents, randomness.  There are rules, yes, but there isn’t any way to learn the rules and patterns to guarantee winning.    You play the…

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My Noodle

The Hell of Self-Help

I had downloaded an excerpt of a self-help book to my Kindle to see if I wanted to buy it or now when I noticed what was already on my Kindle.  There, staring at me in the face, was a “pile” of other half-read self-help books that I’d purchased previously.  If it isn’t bad enough that I have a bookcase shelf Full of half-read books I’m meaning to come back to, now I have it on my Kindle as well. Last week I didn’t read any self-help books.  I read filmmaking books, novels, and lounged around on my futon reading “O” and “National Geographic.”  I got my mojo back.  I started having fun again.  Maybe a little too much fun,…

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My Noodle

Repeat…

“I am done with drama! I ask you, with complete compassion and understanding, to quit yapping in my ear about this!” The voice inside of me nods her head, smiles gently, and then belts out, If I Could…Make a Deal with God…. It’s been three days! Three days with that song rummaging around inside my head like some absent-minded chocoholic pirate who forgot where she stashed her booty. Yes, I love the song. Yes, every time I re-watch that episode of The Vampire Diaries, I think “I should download that song. I can add it to my list of other songs that have terrorized me.” Yes, I am masochist intent on my own mental destruction. But I would have never…

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