Ideas and Musings, My Noodle

Round and Round

My thoughts go round and round, like a never-ending carousel with all the horses faces replaced with people I know, or have known, or think I know. No smiles. Just snarls and knowing looks. Some maniacal laughter just on the surface of their lips. I just want to get off that carousel. I tell myself “I’m just not going to get on it anymore.” But then my feet find their way to it. “I’m just going to watch it for a while,” I tell myself. Then I get back on it. “Maybe this time it will be different.” It’s never different. I’m so delusional. I don’t understand why I tell myself it will be. Do I really want to be…

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Adulting, Ideas and Musings

The Acquisition Thrill Formula

Aha! There you are you gorgeous red duster with the silk lining, I must have you. And you. And you. And of course, you. I’ve just walked into a sale. No, not rain, just let it hail! Products! Clothing! And shoes so fine! Come to me, I’ll make you mine! I’ll buy you all and let you fill me up, then to the restaurant so I can sup! I’ll take you home, oh what a day! And when I get bored, I’ll give you away. Rinse, repeat, add to my debt, and still my place looks so unkept. I need more stuff, this I see, maybe this time I’ll relax and be me. It’s wrong, it’s hideous, it just doesn’t…

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My Noodle

Playing Offense

I was walking around Greenlake, my head in a fog. So much anger flowing inside me. I get pissed off about the things going on in the world, things going on in communities I’m a part of, the media with its never-ending litany of bullshit. Ignorant people who believe they have the right to shame and blame. People holding me responsible for not just their feelings, but for remembering their life choices and structuring my life around them. Lying to me about a chocolate allergy, and then holding me responsible for remembering it, is not cool. And yeah, I saw you eat chocolate. I felt so helpless. Like life is just dashing rocks against me and I have no will…

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My Noodle

Everyone’s Sane…But Me

I come from a hard background. Like many people, my parents were divorced, and Dad didn’t hold up to his responsibilities. Mom had to do it on her own, and she was not capable. Maybe it was the schizophrenia. She drank too many rum and cokes, took too many prescription pills, and chased too many cowboys. There was often no food in the house. Mom thought boiling a cabbage with a bouillon cube was a good dinner. He doesn’t remember it but I remember my brother Kelly saying to me, “I wish I had more of the green stuff.” He won’t even eat cabbage anymore. I often would go into the restroom at the rec center and unwind toilet paper…

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Ideas and Musings, Snark

The Front Tuck: Codpieces and Radical Acts

Have you seen the new fashion trend? Keep an eye out and you’ll see this new-fangled thing the kids are doing of tucking your shirt in, but only at the very front. The first time I saw this, my whole body rebelled. My old decrepit mind couldn’t wrap itself around why anyone would just tuck in the front. It shouted, quietly, “you look like a bunch of dumbasses!”.  It was on the same plane as wearing your pants so low I can see your skid marks. I just couldn’t fathom it. Then I thought to myself that tucking your shirt in just in front was rather sexual. It called attention to that whole area. Rather like those leggings with lines…

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I Remember....

I Remember – The 20s Club Incident

This story is over 25 years old. So weird to think it’s been that long. For me it feels like yesterday, and for someone who tends to repress memories, that’s saying a lot. Once upon a time on a dark Omaha night, I had plans to meet up with my friend Christina at the 20s Club. The 20s Club Now the 20s Club was an old club that was never quite sure what it wanted to be. There were two rooms. The main room had bands and dancing. The second room had Go-Go Girls. (Yes, I know that’s probably not the PC term for them, but that’s the term I grew up with.) Anyhoo, the men would go from the…

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Adulting, Ideas and Musings

The Ethics of Chowing Down

I’m a meat-eater, and I’m a reader. I’m not a reader of social media posts so much. I read books. A lot of books. Besides chocolate, it’s my drug of choice. So, there I am, minding my own business, reading “Evil: The Science Behind Humanity’s Dark Side” by Julia Shaw, when I find myself flying into a minor rage. Meat-eater Rage Julia Shaw has a lot of very interesting ideas about the things we tend to think of as “evil”. I started reading it because there have been a lot of behaviors going on in the community I’m a part of that I see as evil and violent. I’m trying to make sense of it all. I’m having a hard…

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Adulting

Don’t Take that Money! The Politics of a Fundraiser

The Auction Recently, I was at a friend’s benefit to help her get her new business off the ground. It was a typical event with an MC and an auction and a bunch of raffles. There was food, and music, and art. And there were a bunch of people wanting to support my friend. There was a piece of art on auction and I bid on it. At first, I was the only one bidding on it but then a married couple, who are also friends of mine, started bidding on it too. AHA! A BIDDING WAR! I was very excited. And the war started. Now, I’m having fun. The piece of art mattered less to me than the fact…

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My Noodle

Running Towards Fear

Today, I am afraid. I’m deathly afraid and I’m afraid all the time. Trying to sort through the fear in any sort of meaningful way, seeing it as a whole, flummoxes me. I have an appointment with another health care worker and that makes it worse. I have a history of being fired by therapists, coaches, anyone who are supposed to help. I guess it’s a little like dating, after one too many bad dates, I feel like throwing in the beach towel. Today, I fear Death. Not Death itself, but the idea that it’s time for me to die. It might be next year, next month, tomorrow, or even today. I feel my mortality. Deeply. I am going to…

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Adulting, Ideas and Musings

Power and the Little Queen

I remember they day I saw true power. True strength. And from a source I didn’t expect it from. The Dance I was at a Sunday dance at Ecstatic Dance Seattle. For those who don’t know, these are dances you can just go to and dance your truth. No one’s drunk and hitting on you. No one’s puking in the bathroom. You can just be yourself. At this dance there were a bunch of 3 to 4-year-old girls running around. It’s a family friendly dance.  Usually there are maybe one or two little girls, but this time a good dozen of them were there. I have no idea where they came from. Before the dance started, almost all of them…

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